DON’T WORRY DARLING

HA!!! Did you really think I would make my great comeback and forget to talk about Don’t Worry Darling??????? I took some time off being glued to Twitter until 4 am, I didn’t fall off the face of our spherical orb!? Plz. PLLZZZ. I know this is older news now but we must cover it in depth because there are references I will never get over like “Ms Flo” and “Spitgate.” I want to be able to use those again and have you ~understand~.

When I was younger my dad used to say that horrible phrase: “there are 3 sides to every story — yours, theirs, and the truth.” And then, because he is a lawyer, he would go on to cross-examine me until I would ultimately crack with visible sweat droplets pouring down my temples and confess with heaving sobs: “YES! OK?!?! YES!! IT WAS ME! I DID IT! I FILLED THE STOLI BOTTLE WITH WATER SO IT EXPLODED IN THE FREEZER!!” Anywayssss.

I was thinking about that phrase when I was engulfed in the flurry of press surrounding Don’t Worry Darling. First, I thought perhaps it was a media blitz. Like I fully thought for at least a week that this was all designed so we wouldn’t be able to stop talking about the movie and thus force us all to go watch it because we were so engrossed by the drama surrounding it. I think I got beyond that. Sort of. But the drama was wild. It was… Olivia Wilde if you will 😈

You must know the key players.

They are:

  • Olivia Wilde

    The shrew

    This is really how the internet portrays this poor woman, I really don’t see her in this light; however, I am still not over the whole Jason Sudekis thing either and honestly so many women are just portrayed this way because they’re smart and bossy and cool and most of the internet *could never* soooooo….

  • Shia LaBeouf

    The catalyst

    Lest we forget, Shia is really no saint, so it was tough to see the meadow through the forest (or whatever the hell that saying is) when this all started.

  • Harry Styles

    The one who can do no wrong

    Yah, I’m sorry, the man is an international symbol of peace and harmony.

  • Florence Pugh

    The underrated undersold absolute stunner of a heroine

    It physically pains me that Queen Flo is a real human being gifted to our planet.

  • Chris Pine

    The unclear McGuffin

    What HAPPENED to him?

It all started when Olivia kicked off talking about the movie in VOGUE in December of 2021.

She was essentially like “I wanna make a movie with some good sex scenes why don’t we have sex scenes anymore?” And it’s like…well, babe, it’s 2022, and actresses have rights, and do you remember someone named Harvey Weinstein? THAT was a red flag. But it got worse.

In July, Twitter started being Twitter and took a relatively BENIGN post from Queen Flo about her upcoming movie and spun it a bit.

The Twitter world speculated that Queen Flo was shading Olivia and Don’t Worry Darling by not promoting the movie. Even though Olivia was praising and promoting left and right.

THEN Paige Six released news that Queen Flo actually WAS upset according to a source

— and it had more to do with Olivia and Harry starting their relationship during filming of Don’t Worry Darling WHILE Jason and Olivia were still together. Again, that’s speculation. Again, again, Queen Flo has said nothing on the topic at this point.

In August, Queen Flo breaks the silence.

She talks to Harper’s Bazaar about the sex scenes Olivia Wilde was all stoked about back in December of 2021 and she’s like… “k the movie is more than the sex scenes. Can we get over the sex scenes?”

But you must understand that while all of this is happening, Olivia is talking about Shia LaBeouf.

Remember, Shia is not entirely credible. But Olivia gives yet another interview, this time with Variety, and is like “Shia is not up to my standards and acting ethos.” BABE, YOU WERE IN YEAR ONE WITH JACK BLACK. Plz. I get it, you’re a writer and a director now. But plz. SHE ALSO TELLS VARIETY SHE FIRED SHIA! And won’t shut up about the sex scenes prompting more upset from Twitter.

Shia gets angry.

He responds to Variety is tells them… “Olivia is lying.” I probably shouldn’t put that in quotes cuz it’s not a real quote but whatever. He said she lied and that he quit because “I quit your film because your actors and I couldn’t find time to rehearse.” (that’s a real quote)

Then there is the leaked video of Olivia essentially calling out “Miss Flo”

(hence my calling her QUEEN Flo CUZ NO) and insinuating that Shia is right; he quit, and Olivia did not fire him. And it becomes very unclear WTF is happening with this movie.

Mere DAYS after all of this goes down,

The Wrap reports that Queen Flo is going to limit press around Don’t Worry Darling and is ONLY going to Venice for the premiere at the film festival.

I’m gonna speed this up for you –

  1. Venice happens

  2. a report is leaked that Queen Flo and Olivia had it out on set a few times

  3. Queen Flo doesn’t go to press day in Venice

  4. Olivia seems to stand by her and supports her

  5. Queen Flo ends up walking the carpet at the premiere with the cast, they look hunky dory, but Twitter doesn’t buy it

And then the spit heard ‘round the world.

Twitter utterly convinces itself that Harry Styles SPITS on Chris Pine during the Venice premiere. Up until this point pretty much everyone was like “oh, Chris Pine’s in the movie? Didn’t realize.” But now THEY REALIZE.

Harry flies to NYC, has a concert at MSG

and is like “I just popped very quickly to Venice to spit on Chris Pine” and the crowd goes wild.

IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT, WE’RE NOT DONE YET. I DON’T BLAME YOU FOR GIVING UP.

Flash to September —

Olivia goes on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert and continues talking about how she fired Shia. She says, and I quote, “When he gave me the ultimatum of, you know, him or Florence, I chose Florence.” And frankly, I would, too. SHE IS FLORENCE PUGH.

Vulture reports a source

saying Florence WAS annoyed by Harry and Olivia which harkens back to that original Page Six report and then Queen Flo is like “k, I’ve had enough.”

Queen Flo finally posts on IG about Don’t Worry Darling

and says “We met so many talented people, visited some insane locations, worked hard in the desert dust and looked good whilst doing so.”

All’s well that ends well though because

KiKi Layne and Ari’el Stachel end up together even though they were cut from the movie.

IN SUMMATION — Olivia is intense but cast in a bad light.

Shia seems dramatic (just go peacefully into the night). Chris Pine and Harry Styles are irrelevant to the narrative in many ways. And Florence should have just posted on IG sooner. This leads me to the real ethos behind this newsletter which is that ✨💫 social media rules our lives, and we are slaves to influencer drama that keeps us docile and blind to the traumas of our hellscape 💫✨ 

Any questions? I need a nap.

Here’s the rest 💕

IS THAT ENOUGH?!?! Are you not entertained?! I genuinely believe I would have made a great court jester in the 14th century.

KLOVEYOUBYE

JT