
MOMMY CULTURE
Sheesh what a week!
Nothing… happened, just you know, being alive and stuff. What a whirlwind.
Here are the top 3 things I am afraid of:
Sharks (they are monsters from the depths of our Earth. They are killing machines. And one once swam under a boat I was on off the coast of Provincetown and I thought I was going to have a stroke. You do NOT understand how big they are. Plz don’t talk to me until you’ve been on a Boston Whaler and one decides to give you a lil splash with its dorsal fin)
Failure (to whom much was given, of him much will be required)
Moms… let’s discuss.
I once watched my mom physically lift 4 two-liter bottles of Diet Coke out of the back of her Volvo and then balance a coffee mug between her shoulder and her chin while on the phone with a doctor’s office via Bluetooth. I once saw my sister grab my nephew by the back of his shirt while she held a boiling pot of water so he wouldn’t fall down the cellar stairs - no one was injured. I once watched with my jaw hanging off my face as my aunt ran full speed after a man who was breaking into her car in the parking lot of Emmons Horrigan O'Neil Memorial Rink in Charlestown WITH A FIGURE SKATE POISED IN HER HAND AS A WEAPON.
I am not really “afraid” of moms. But when you don’t understand, comprehend, or even really grasp how awe inspiring something is - it can be fear inducing. Moms do that for me.
All of these are true stories.
THE LESSON?
Moms are utter badasses. And yet, in true ATH fashion, we gotta dig in more here. There is a very polarizing force on the internet right now and it’s rooted in “Mommy Culture.” When you get deep enough on the internet there’s “something for everyone.” But there are a few communities who really raise a lot of hell - one of them being moms. And when I say “raising hell,” I do not mean this in a bad way. All that I mean is that moms are speaking out. They are speaking up. And they are demanding to be heard. GOOD FOR MOMS.
Being a mom is hard.
I’m not a mom and I know this. Every mother in this country has a right to a fair and lengthy maternity leave to care for their newborn child, safe and affordable childcare, and just like… oh I don’t know… respect for raising the next generation of this country?? Ya know, the basics. But a lot of the time what ends up happening is finger-pointing. Moms want to be heard and they raise very valid and valuable questions - “we’re tired,” “we’re not getting enough help,” “this is expensive,” “help!! why won’t my husband take out the trash when I am holding a child feeding off of my literal body?!!??” But behind the screen of the internet where you’re mostly talking to yourself via selfie camera, we can all forget that we’re not the only ones in the narrative.
Mommy Culture online is, as online subcultures always are, based on shared experience.
And yet, the experience of parenting is wildly different for each human, each community, each culture. There is no one right way to do it. But apparently, people think there are a lot of wrong ways to do it. That judgment is what creates polarization online. It’s also what creates virality and community.
“Othering,” with great misfortune, is rooted in being able to find a group that thinks like you so you don’t need to be exposed to those who DON’T. It gets people’s hackles up. It turns everyone on the defense. They see something and think: “well I’m not doing it that way, so either they’re wrong or I am wrong.” It’s what causes a lot of people to turn away from online Mommy Culture and to start bringing that judgment into the real world. To scoff when a mom can’t stop their screaming child at a restaurant - as if that’s “her fault.” To roll their eyes when a mom is asking to head out of work early because she’s got a daycare run that day - as if that’s “her problem.”
Let’s get even deeper though
In November of 2021, a pandemic response study was conducted at advertising agencies across the country that showcased sentiments between parents and non-parents in the workplace. It was run by Jenny Nicholson of McKinney. The results were published in Ad Age. When Jenny tweeted the results, she was surprised.
She said:
The results of the survey showed that non-parents were a lot more sympathetic to parents than the other way around. That tells us a lot of things - but the biggest thing it tells me, personally, is that we aren’t communicating, as a society, with empathy. I know that being a mom is hard because I hear the moms. I hear them loud and clear and I will beat that drum with them. But there are a lot of aspects of “Mommy Culture,” especially online, that create an unjust narrative around the world of reproduction and the differing experiences associated with it. Child loss. Infertility. Involuntary singledom. These are just as valid as the sufferings of a parent. Each of us, besides topics of child-rearing, has something in our lives that might cause us pain. And online movements specifically meant at centering the pain of one particular group isn’t necessarily “bad” as long as we don’t “other” those who don’t experience this exact same pain and suffering (there are shades of grey here too and this does not apply to groups who have experienced racism, genocide, and other harrowing atrocities).
Online culture warps things.
It creates “right” and “wrong” based on majority rules thinking. There are billions of parents all over this world. I might not be a parent, but I am someone’s kid. And I’ll tell you this, that mom creating a dialogue about “the right way” to do things on TikTok? That YouTuber telling you no one but a parent knows the true definition of exhaustion? THOSE people are “wrong.” We’re all doing the best we can. We can all complain of exhaustion. No one group holds a monopoly on a feeling.
I’m afraid of moms because they are strong, fearless, and in many instances, carry the weight of far more than their shoulders seem to be able to bear. I look at them and think “HA! I could simply never!! These shoulders? They can hardly carry the weight of Sunday’s episode of Euphoria!” But I am also afraid of moms because of the unknown, of not knowing what they go through every single day and not being familiar with it, of not being able to properly empathize with them and help them. But that doesn’t mean I can’t listen. It doesn’t mean I can’t hear what they’re saying and simply say “ugh that sucks. If you need help, ask me, I’m here.” And parents can do the same. They can listen, they can empathize. We’re all going through it in one way or another. No one has it right. No matter what TikTok tells you.
If you read this far, you’re doing a good job. I’m proud of you. Keep it up. Or slow down. Either is okay. Your kids will turn out fine. Didn’t you? Didn’t I (I think? I hope? SOS up for debate)?
And just remember - the internet is a farce. Nothing is real. What’s happening to that person next to you at work? In the restaurant? At the grocery store? In your group chat? That’s real.
ANDDDD nowwww…
Big shout out to Julia Sheehy for helping to bring you…
the tea this week:
And a new lil feature that Julia is bringing us:
New Music WEEKLY
Best friends Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift drop their 4th song together “The Joker and The Queen”.
EDM duo Odesza release single “The Last Goodbye”, their first solo work in 4 years. The last time this duo put out music together was in 2018 (released a collaboration album in 2020). Even if you aren’t an EDM fan, Odesza’s music is absolutely beautiful and I 10/10 recommend a listen to their 2018 album A Moment Apart and their new song!
EMD giant Illenium partners with close friend Said the Sky and rising star Chelsea Cutler (who is so talented and amazing, go stream her new album When I Close My Eyes) to release a beautiful new song “Walk Me Home.” Again, if you are not an EDM fan, I can almost promise you that you will still enjoy this song.
OK ILOVEYOUBYEEEEE
